what men need to know about menopause
book extract
This is an extract from This Changes Everything: the honest guide to menopause and perimenopause
by Niki Bezzant
Menopause can be hard for men.
I know — it’s a lot bloody harder for women. But we do need to acknowledge that it can affect the men in our lives in a fairly drastic way, too.
The men I’ve talked to are mostly fairly bewildered by it. If you consider that many women don’t really understand what’s going on, it’s no surprise the men can’t figure it out, either.
‘I think often men — this is a gross generalisation — but I think they can often dismiss it, because it’s hard for them to get their heads around,’ says Fenton. ‘Their hormones are stable; so this concept of the hormones going up and down; the woman not being in control of her mood or her temper, or her brain — they just don’t get it.’
What she’s describing is that men age differently, hormonally speaking, to women. There will be a decline in their sex hormones, especially testosterone. But it happens slowly, over many years. They don’t have anything to draw on in their own experience to relate menopause to.
‘Fortunately it’s a minority but I do get some husbands coming with their wives and saying “You’ve got to sort this out, I can’t cope with this!”’ says Fenton.
There’s no doubt that menopause affects relationships. And sadly, women often shoulder the blame for things not going well.
Gilbert sees this often. ‘It’s usually relationship stuff that they feel is their fault. So it’ll be anxiety or mood swings or loss of libido, or those sorts of things that are really impacting their relationship. And somewhere along the track, they’ve been made to feel bad about that, and they’re starting to feel like, my relationship’s falling apart, and it’s because I’m in such a shit space’.
Those women don’t always realise they’re perimenopausal. ‘The thing is that women get into distress, so their ability to recognise what’s actually going on goes down,’ says Gilbert.
What men need to know
When I asked women ‘Is there anything you’d like to say to men about menopause?’ ‘Be kind’ was the most common response.
In an ideal world, all men would read this whole book. But if you can’t get the men in your life to do that, ask them to read the following.
MENOPAUSE: A MAN’S GUIDE
Hi, men. How are you coping?
If you have a woman in your life, she’s going to go through perimenopause (the timeframe leading up to menopause, which can start in her 30s and last for years and cause dozens of symptoms that may require treatment), and menopause (the actual end of menstrual periods). Or she might be already. Here’s some things you need to know about that.
— Menopause is a natural transition. Every woman goes through it. It is not an illness. It is not a deficiency. It’s just another of life’s transitions. Think of it as a second puberty.
— Every woman’s experience of menopause is different. There are over 40 symptoms (see page 24), any of which may need treatment at some point, and no two women will have the same experience. It’s best not to try and diagnose her.
— Menopause is complex. That’s because the hormones we’re talking about here are hard-wired into women: they affect every aspect of our health, from our brains to our little toe joints. Because it affects all those many things, it can be pretty turbulent.
— It’s not about you. If a woman in your life snaps at you, or bursts into tears, or doesn’t want to have sex, or forgets something you’ve told her, or doesn’t want to go out and socialise — it’s not you. Really. Don’t take it as an insult, or feel hurt or offended. That’s just going to make her feel worse.
— She can’t control a lot of what’s happening to her, because it’s not about her, either. It’s about her hormones. It might feel like she has turned into a different person. She has not.
— Perimenopause — the really turbulent bit — can start in a woman’s thirties and go on for a long time — anything from two to 10 years. She doesn’t know how long it’s going to last. It’s best you get comfortable with that thought and . . .
— Learn. Learn all you can about this transition. Read this book. Go online (to reputable sources). Talk to the women in your life. Try to understand as much as you can, so you can be as supportive as you can. Your goal is not to problem solve (it’s not a problem, remember, it’s a natural transition). Your goal is to have empathy and understanding.
— Be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Menopause is not a joke, so please don’t make jokes about it. It’s not icky or shameful, either. It’s not a sign that a woman is past it or losing it. It doesn’t make her terrible at her job or worthless or irrelevant. Women in midlife are just as awesome as you are. Think about what you can do to show her you understand. It’s okay to ask ‘What can I do?’ and it’s also okay for her to say she doesn’t know. Just showing up and being present can be an amazing start.
— Talk about it. Just as women need to talk more about menopause so it emerges from the shadows, so too do men. So talk to the women in your life about it. Try not to shy away or get embarrassed or laugh. And listen. Really. Listen.
— Be an ally. We need you! Talk to your mates about it. Talk to your colleagues. Talk especially to your sons — they need to know this stuff, too. If you are a boss, think about the women in your workplace who might need support. Try sensitively thinking about how you could do that. If you’re a workmate, ditto. And if your boss is a midlife woman, ditto again.
— Menopause — as a natural transition — does come to an end. The women in your life will emerge from it stronger and better, ready to take on the world. They might also be different. Change is good; people change and evolve. And that’s okay, too.
— Be careful what you Google. There’s a world of bad science, snake oil, marketing opportunism and general bullshit around menopause out there. Being well informed about evidence- based treatments, and supporting the women in your life as they navigate these, goes a long way.
— This transition time is a critical one in a woman’s health; navigating it well and being supported to get good-quality treatment can set her up for a vibrant and healthy third phase of life.